The 95th Academy Awards [Live Updates]

11:32 — EEAAO wins Best Picture. The multiverse buttplug hot dog finger movie becomes part of Oscar history, it couldn’t have been possible without the duo that gave us the farting corpse movie.

11:27 — Michelle Yeoh, who grew up in a family of immense power, wealth and privilege, decides to portray herself as a symbol of repressed female heroism. Yeoh beating Blanchett’s all-timer of a performance is a disgrace.

11:22 — Brendan Fraser wins Best Actor because, just like Short Round, his career was down in the dumps and then A24 decided to cast him in a movie. The fat suit didn’t hurt either.

11:16 — Someone needs to get slapped.

11:14 — The Academy clearly decided Harrison Ford should present Best Picture to Short Round’s movie.

11:11 — Ford, Wilder, Coppola, Eastwood, Spielberg, Scorsese … Scheinert/Kwan.

11:09 — EEAAO again, this time for Film Editing.

11:07 — They didn’t even think to include Charbli Dean as part of the In memoriam? She was the lead in one of this year’s Best Picture nominees!

11:01 — Looks like this will be another four hour ceremony … and people wonder why the ratings have been terrible.

10:47 — IDIOCRACY.

10:45 — Sarah Polley wins Adapted Screenplay for her preachy and insufferable movie.

10:39 — Nevermind. EEAAO hipsters The Daniels win Original Screenplay and … get a standing ovation? Hollywood has really lost its mind.

10:17 — If ‘All Quiet’ wins Best Adapted Screenplay, upsetting Sarah Polley’s “Women Talking,” then watch out, it becomes a real possibility for Best Picture.

10:08 — “All Quiet on the Western Front” getting a lot of love tonight. The film just won two tech Oscars within a few minutes. Maybe EEAAO isn’t a done deal …

9:57 — Lady Gaga making me want to gag with her nauseating song intro. She really just overdoes everything.

9:49 — Almost two hours in and just 9 winners announced …

9:41 — International Film goes to “All Quiet on the Western Front,” a film that neither Cannes nor Venice wanted in their lineup.

9:38 — EEAAO superfan (and Academy President) Janet Yang with all the glory and charisma of a cold fish.

9:35 — Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu Naatu

9:28 — Wakanda Forever’s Ruth Carter wins. EEAAO loses Costume Design.

9:18 — “The Whale” wins Makeup for the fatsuit. Slightly bad news for Austin Butler’s chances, “Elvis” had won all of the makeup precursors.

9:12 — I like David Byrne, but that EEAAO song was a hot mess. Did they even rehearse this?

9:08 — Best Cinematography goes to James Friend (All Quiet on the Western Front). This is a big award for those clinging to the small hope that Edward Berger’s WWI epic can still win Best Picture.

9:05 — I just read Navalny called muslims cockroaches. If that’s the case then it’s in pretty poor taste to get Riz Ahmed, a muslim actor, to present his film an award.

9:00 — And now a message from our corporate overlords: I know Disney owns ABC but they literally just broadcast a trailer in the middle of the ceremony. They’re shamefully using the Oscars to sell their movie and not even hiding it.

8:51 — “Navalny” wins Best Documentary and, yes, maybe it has to do, just a tad, with the current relevance of the war in Ukraine, but it’s actually a terrific and gripping documentary. An absolute must-see.

8:45 — EEAAO’s Curtis and Quan winning has nothing to do with quality of performance. More than anything else, voters decided to honor Short Round and Laurie Strode.

8:36 — Jamie Lee Curtis wins an Oscar almost 45 years after her “Halloween” acting debut. EEAAO off to a very good start tonight.

8:28 — It was inevitable, Ariana DeBose cries reading Ke Huy Quan’s name. Then he gets a standing ovation. Terrific and emotional speech. Short Round has won an Oscar.

8:19 — No surprise, Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio wins Best Animated Feature.

8:17 — Kimmel’s opening monologue wasn’t bad. A few good jokes.

8:05 — Jessica Chastain must be the only one wearing a mask there.

8:00 — Andrea Riseborough looks like she’s been through hell and back. Does she even want to be at the ceremony?

7:56 — Austin's still commited to the voice, I see. It’s getting ridiculous at this point.

7:36 — I’ve decided to live blog tonight’s ceremony. Let’s all suffer together the inevitable EEAAO triumph.